Familiar Territory

When a couple becomes very familiar with one another it is easy for the sexual spark to dwindle. You know one another’s bodies so well there is no nervous apprehension building sexual tension, no more exciting discovery as you explore one another and find out what makes one another tick.

You know how to get one another to the place you want to get to and sex effectively becomes a set pattern of movements you go through without thinking about it. Day to day life can take over, discussions about bills or chores take the place of impromptu sex. Evenings are dedicated to pursuits to recover from the stress of the day such as watching Netflix or playing Xbox, the anticipation and excitement of seeing one another no longer distraction enough from the pressure of reality.

Sex can become not only rare but for many a chore. It is something you do because you feel you “ought” to, something to keep your partner from nagging, and so you go through the motions whilst thinking about tomorrow’s shopping or what outfit you should wear out for dinner with your friends at the weekend. When excitement and passion die, so does desire.

To combat the dull sexual rut that long term couples slide into, it’s easy to go from short term affair to short term affair; exciting, heat filled passion that is allowed to drift away before over familiarity takes hold.

It is one of the reasons people in long term relationships stray. When the lust and passion dies they crave it, long for it, and can no longer be satisfied by the occasional, begrudging sexual encounter of their long term partner. Their lust outweighs their loyalty.

So if this is the case, what do you do?

You need to find the passion for the familiar. There is something so exciting about stealed moments with a lover who’s body you know as well as your own. Sexual tension does not need to require emotional distance, it can come from craving the touch and feel of a body because you know how amazing that touch and feel is. It can come from the strength of the existing emotional connection and the desire to both satisfy and be satisifed.

Prioritise sexual contact, even if full sex doesn’t happen, make time just to hold one another and touch one another. Even if you are not feeling like sex to begin with, so often just the act of gentle physical intimacy and lead you to long for more.

Stop expecting sex to be a nuclear explosion all the time. Sex does not need to be a race to orgasm, sex can be about just having sex for the sake of intimacy. Sex is the thing you do with your lover and only your lover. Without it the person you live with is just a friend, a companion. You may as well be living with your best mate. That union, that connection, to physically be within one another’s bodies, that is a level of intimacy that cements a romantic relationship as something greater than companionship and friendship.

And remember it’s okay to laugh. To be dorky. To giggle. You know each other so well that there is no need to perform, no need to worry. If the encounter isn’t passion and lust driven, but “hey, we’re together and alone and have some time” driven, then you can have light hearted, fun sex. Plus sex is kind of weird, bodies make strange noises, you make strange faces, and if you’re slamming in a quickie just for the sake of fun, you may find yourself in tricky or amusing positions just to suit your surroundings. Stop being so serious and just go with it.

Long term love sex can, in my experience, be far greater in satisfaction and pleasure than any short term lust driven encounter. Short term can be fun of course, but there is no guarantee you will get anything satisfying out of it, and no guarantee you won’t come away feeling hurt, and no guarantee of when you’re next going to get it. Long term, if you keep the fire going, is guranteed satisfaction, guaranteed emotional safety, and guaranteed regulurity.

Familiar territory does not have to mean boring.

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About J.J. Barnes

Author of The Lilly Prospero Series Writer and Podcaster at www.SirenStories.co.uk Blogger at Rose And Mum And More Contributor to The Huffington Post
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