Today is the day my divorce is finalised.
It is oddly anti-climactic.
I don’t know what I expected to happen or how I expected to feel, but not like this. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel anything. It’s just okay, done. Closure.
A lot of people have asked if I’m going to have a party, a divorce-party, but there’s no way. I have seen photos of people divorce-parties and to be honest they seem bitter, they seem angry or man-hating or an “in your face” to the ex husband. I don’t feel bitter towards him, I’m not angry with him, I don’t hate men and I have no need to rub anything in my ex husband’s face. Because it’s fine. It just is what it is.
The only change in my life from this day will be that legally I can get married again now, should I wish. That’s about it. No other changes. If people call me “Mrs” I suppose I have a more legitimate reason to correct them, though I corrected them perfectly successfully prior to this so I don’t think it will change.
So why did I file? If it won’t impact me in any huge way, why bother filing for divorce anyway?
Because when the divorce wasn’t going through I felt trapped. I felt like my old life, my old world, was a huge oppressive mass weighing down on me. Because even though I am in no rush to re-marry, the fact that I couldn’t do something if I decided I wanted to was horrible. Because my ex husband having any amount of control over the decisions I may or may not make was horrible. I felt trapped. I do not feel trapped anymore, I feel calm.
There is a degree of sadness, but it’s not about the divorce and it’s not about missing my ex husband, which I don’t. It’s about a life that is lost. It’s about a love which died, a future that I longed for that will never happen. It’s children that will never exist, dreams that will never be realised, a life that will never be lived. But the sadness I feel about those things is merely a flicker. An occasional little awareness of things I so loved and longed for that can never and will never happen.
But what will happen? A future with The Boy? Children, dreams, hopes, a future? Things I never imagined happening, never factored into my future fantasies. Things that are different, but things that are good. There is no sadness when I think of my future, just anticipation. Excitement to see what is round the corner.
D-Day. I am officially a single woman… but I am a single woman in love, a single woman who is free, and a single woman excited for her life.