Why Not Me?

Recently I have had relationships with two men, both of whom are in new relationships now. I don’t begrudge former partners new relationships, and I don’t consider new girlfriends to be devil spawn for replacing me as some women do. However…

A few months ago I wrote about The Trainer. A man whom I had a date with, a kiss, and a lot of flirting. The flirting went on for months, both in person and via text message. Intense flirting. He made it clear that he takes his time before getting into a relationship, that he doesn’t just throw himself in. I found out that a few weeks ago he went to Rome with a woman who also goes to my gym and they are officially a couple.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no claim over this man. I moved on from that dalliance long ago, and have no lingering feelings for him (beyond the obvious fact I find him physically appealing). My issue with this is that whilst he was hitting on me, he must have either been hitting on her also or already involved with her. That the reason he never followed through on his offers of romance and dating is because he was already seeing someone. This irritates me. He didn’t owe me anything, and I don’t begrudge him seeing someone at the same time as me, but I find the dishonesty to be irritating. I wasn’t someone he was actually interested in, I was just a naughty bit on the side to boost his ego. Irritating.

The second is The Accidental Boyfriend. If I’m honest with myself our relationship was never really healthy. It messed with my mind too much. He promised me the world then became withdrawn. Told me he loved me, then stopped bothering with me. It threw my brain into absolute meltdown. I had no idea what was going on and fell apart. Even when he was showing me off to his family, telling me he loved me, he said it was too soon to put labels on things, and definitely too soon for anything to go on Facebook. Fair enough, I don’t like to rush this stuff, private lives are private for a reason.

Erm… we broke up (again) just three weeks ago. He is officially in a relationship, on Facebook, with some other girl. Already. Once again I was not a main focus, I was a distraction on the side from the woman he was actually involved with in another country. The woman he ACTUALLY wants to be with. I was just someone convenient and local whilst he was in Britain.

Both of these men had opportunities to be in relationships with me, whether they would have been short or long, happy or not, I couldn’t tell you. But what I can say is that I was unwittingly involved in competition with other women. And lost. Spectacularly.

So why not me? I’m relatively good company, fairly smart, not bad looking, pretty fit. I’m not a bad package really.

This is something I could obsess over. Worry about. But actually I’m pretty sure it’s not my problem. There’s nothing “wrong” with me. The Trainer was a coward who couldn’t tell me the real reason he backed off, so no biggy I wouldn’t want to be involved with a coward anyway. The Accidental Boyfriend? Chalk that one down to an asshole. He isn’t who I thought he was. Even when he was messing with my mind and confusing me, I didn’t think he was an asshole who would treat me with so little respect.

So why not me? Who cares. I got off lightly. It would have been much worse if it HAD been me.

So when you find out someone has discarded you and you don’t know why, when some other woman has won out over you, and you’ve not even been given the respect of a conversation, remind yourself that you came off best from the situation.

You are worth more. I am worth more.






person and via text message. It was


About J.J. Barnes

Author of The Lilly Prospero Series Writer and Podcaster at www.SirenStories.co.uk Blogger at Rose And Mum And More Contributor to The Huffington Post
This entry was posted in Love and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Why Not Me?

  1. Mr. Gardener says:

    You should ask for an exit interview

  2. makupsy says:

    Well said! I totally enjoyed this post. And what I have learnt is we live with deceiving people amongst us!

  3. I agree, coincidences happen all the time but when it comes to matters of the heart, we too quickly take the blame. You’re worth more !

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