As with all things that burn hot, and bright, and fast, The Accidental Boyfriend and I imploded.
I saw it coming. My friends saw it coming. But my good grief it still hurt when it happened.
It turns out that when people tell you that you need communication to make a relationship work they’re not just using a meaningless platitude, it’s true. We didn’t talk about what we wanted or needed from the relationship, we just dived in without understanding what the other half of the relationship was expecting to happen.
I expected, whilst intermittent due to his work, to get text message and phone call affection and attention. Stolen moments away from the hectic life he leads to remind me that he loves me and can’t wait to see me. I expected him to prioritise me and “us” over a lot of things.
What I think he expected is for me to know and understand that I am going to be ignored whilst he’s working and to be alright with it. To be there when he has time for me, and not to question it when he doesn’t.
I got paranoid. He got irritated. I freaked out. He got angry.
I’m glad it imploded. I feel I have closure. I was intending to just let him disappear. Part of me wishes I had waited to see what happened, not pursued him for an official break up as I intended to. Dignity and all that. But having it, feeling annoyed with his annoyance with me, I feel better. I’m hurting. But I know it’s over. I know it’s justifiably over because I want things he’s not prepared to give, and he wants me to be someone I’m not prepared to be. Therefore it can’t work. Knowing that helps. Knowing that gives me peace of mind that I can work through it and move on.
So I’ve learned a few things. When I’m in a relationship I’m more needy than I realised. Not full on clingy needy bunny boiler, but I have definite needs for attention and affection and if they aren’t met I can’t handle it. I’ve learned that sometimes things seem so perfect that you know it can’t be real, so perhaps you’re creating perfection in your mind to cover the gaps. I’ve learned that I can open my heart up fully and embrace an opportunity for love, something I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready for. And I’ve learned that I can survive heartbreak. Again.
So, onwards and upwards. Alone again. Naturally.