Love equals vulnerability. Vulnerable to pain, to loss, to fear. Vulnerable to heart ache.
With the Accidental Boyfriend, in the past, I avoided it. I fought it off. I held back and refused to allow myself to fall, and it ultimately drove us apart. This time? This time I went straight down the rabbit hole.
The problem is, now I’m down there, now I’ve fallen and am hopelessly lost to him, I’m not sure I like it. I don’t want to be without it, the idea of losing it fills me with dread, but for all the joy and happiness it brings me it also hurts.
He works out of the country and very long hours. I don’t expect nor require much communication from him whilst he’s away. It’s expected to go for a day or so without contact. However, it’s never more than that. Even if I just get a “thinking of you x” or a “hope you’re okay see you soon” type text, that’s all I need. That is acknowledgement, affection, and sustains me. This week he disappeared. Just bam. Gone. I texted him the usual amount, every couple of days, a how are you, this is what we’ve done today, type of text. I got nothing. Nada. Zilch.
We were supposed to be spending the weekend with him. He was supposed to be picking us up on Saturday morning. I heard NOTHING.
I won’t lie. I panicked. I spent all week just saying to myself “It’s okay, he’s busy, don’t stress.” Today? Nah. Today I hit my limits.
I’m not inclined to pester, and I’m not generally paranoid or clingy. But dammit I went there!
Eventually I got a response. Whilst he was busy saving the world something big went down and he was snowed under, working crazy hard, and couldn’t chat.
Do I feel better? Yes. The chest crunching, throat burning, brain aching pain has gone. To know he’s not just stopped bothering with me is a relief. But still…….. I don’t exactly feel great.
Is it worth it? I hope so. I feel like I don’t have much choice. I’m gone.
The thing is, after the whole marriage, divorce, abandonment, pain, heartache and misery of the start of the year I swore this whole thing off. No love. No relationships. I was in it for the fun, the sex, the laughter. The actual caring crap wasn’t supposed to happen.
Part of me wants to just scrap it, run away, and abandon it. I don’t need it.
Yet here I am. Hopelessly devoted.
My head is saying, “Fool, forget him.”
My heart is saying, “Don’t let go.
Hold on till the end.”
And that’s what I intend to do
I’m hopelessly devoted to you.