Turns out I do not know how to be a girlfriend.
I never care that much about a man that I worry about what is going on with us, if I hear from him okay, if I don’t I probably prefer it. If I have felt myself starting to care too much I have ended the relationship before I do care.
With The Accidental Boyfriend I care. I really care. And I don’t really know how to deal with it.
I am swinging violently between blissful calm and contented happiness, feeling safe and warm and loved, and panicked and miserable, worrying about whether we are good or not.
It is not a pleasant sensation.
Initially I was a huge fan of his absences. He is out of the country for long periods of time, unable to text or call much, and back for just a couple of days at a time. It gives me the freedom of living alone with Miss Rose, not being pestered by a man, but the security of a relationship with a man I adore.
Yeah… so that gets old.
When I do hear from him I feel great and calm and relaxed, but then I don’t hear from him. For ages. And I worry. I fret. I turn into a completely neurotic “girlfriend”. Then he texts and calls, he’s been busy but he misses me, and ah calm again descends.
Oh dear. I don’t want to not be doing it, because he’s everything I want in a man, and having him in my life feels so right, but I find the actual process of doing it is immensely stressful.
Unless everything implodes by Friday I am seeing him again this weekend, Miss Rose and I are spending the weekend with him and his son. There is no reason it should implode, but the inner cynic and new found relationship anxiety makes me not relax fully.
Damn. Caring is pretty bloody hard.