You may recall that some time ago I posted about a relationship I had with The Accidental Boyfriend. A boyfriend I seemed to acquire without realising how. A boyfriend so sexy, and funny, and smart, and handsome, and charming, and powerful, and successful, that it was impossible to not get swept up in the romance and passion and excitement of it all without even realising it had happened.
I ended it with him because I realised I had suddenly found myself in a serious relationship I wasn’t ready for. I couldn’t cope.
I’ve flitted between dates with assorted men, a fling, and general flirting without ever finding anyone I connect with on an emotional level. Indeed there have been times I have felt a little emotionally dead inside. Just numb. I didn’t want to find anyone to connect with, I didn’t want to feel anything more than the passing attraction of flirting.
When The Accidental Boyfriend got in touch again I realised why I had been so emotionally cut off. All the times I had been in the company of other men, for however long or short a time, I had been wishing I was someplace different with someone else. Basically anywhere with him.
He came to my house and when I opened the door and looked into his eyes, then felt his arms pull me close into a hug, I felt myself breathe. I can only describe it as when you haven’t realised you’ve been holding your breath, then suddenly you breathe again and the flood of oxygen gives you both an intense high and a deep sense of relief on an innate biological level. My body relaxed, my brain calmed, and I felt emotions and feelings I had stopped feeling a while ago.
But, the same still stands. I am not ready to be around a man all the time. I am not ready to constantly be in touch with someone. I am not ready to have my space, my life, invaded my a man and the pressure of a relationship. I still need to be just me and Miss Rose, living our lives, just us. How we like it.
The Accidental Boyfriend is out of the country for the majority of the time. Indeed, it’s rare he is actually in the UK, and when it is it is generally passing through a London airport between flights. His work has him busy and away. A lot.
So… what I appear to be in is a relationship that, for someone like me, is perfect.
He can’t text me very often because he’s working all the time, so when we do text I don’t feel like I’m being pestered. He can’t see me very often because he’s only back every so often, so when we do see each other it’s like new each time and I cannot get sick of the sight of him as I so rarely see him. I miss him… I actually MISS him. My usual feelings about men I’m involved with not being around me is to either not notice particularly or to be relieved. I like missing him. I like the feeling of caring. I like that I get to miss him without being annoyed that he’s shown up before I get the chance to miss him in the first place.
There is a song by Joey Lauren Adams in the film Chasing Amy.
“I want to feel passion, I want to feel pain, I want to weep at the sound of your name, so come make me laugh, come make me cry, just make me feel… alive”
He makes me feel alive. He makes me feel alive, and connected, and safe, and sexy, and wanted, but he doesn’t make me feel claustrophobic or like I’m losing the freedoms that come with the single life I have so loved.
I get a relationship that suits me down to the ground.
And what does he get? He gets me. Duh.