My Space

I loved being married, and I think I was a good wife. I have written before about missing my husband and the space he left in our lives. Because of this I have believed that I would, at some point in the future, be keen to start up a new relationship and one day become a wife again. Not yet, but one day.

This belief is starting to wane. Dramatically.

I don’t want someone cluttering up my house. I love my house, it’s my space, it’s my things, and it’s my rules. I do not want a man lurking around and taking up space. I don’t want to wash his things and watch his TV shows. I don’t want a man here all the time taking up my evenings with looking after him when I could be doing the things I want to do. I don’t want a man having a say in how I raise Rose, or disagreeing in choices I make.

Just because I don’t want a man doing all those things doesn’t mean I don’t want a man to do you know… other things…

Recently, after years apart, my friend and her children’s father rekindled their relationship. She spoke about how having him back in the family home was hard for her, how she found the change difficult because of how much she was letting go to allow him in. I didn’t understand, to me, it was simply the thing you do. You live together, you share the space, you share the opinions.

Now I understand. Now I see why it would be hard, I can see why the transition would be challenging, and I can see how much she gave up. And I think the idea of doing that myself is utterly dreadful.

I’ll need to take a lover. Someone to come and go. Literally.

I want someone who wants nothing from me, except the pleasure of my company and some serious naked time. I don’t want someone who wants me to make them breakfast, or wash their clothes. I don’t want to have to worry about them.

My focus is Rose and myself, our lives and our ways. But there would be advantages to having someone come and sort a few things out for me every so often.


About J.J. Barnes

Author of The Lilly Prospero Series Writer and Podcaster at Blogger at Rose And Mum And More Contributor to The Huffington Post
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2 Responses to My Space

  1. I know what you mean. When I first separated 2yrs ago, I thought that I’d want to be in a relationship, that now I am free to find someone who won’t hurt me physically or emotionally, who will be there for me, who will support me.
    But then as time passed (while waiting for my divorce to be finalized), I found myself in a relationship… and I’ve started to see the things you’ve mentioned. Granted, I am still looking for a new place to move into that’s officially mine (& not legally shared with my ex-spouse), but I do understand what you mean about doing someone else’ laundry, making room or space (not necessarily just physically) for a significant other, etc.
    I think I am OK with being single. I think that maybe, as much as I enjoyed the company — I think I am ready to be single and alone. I realize that being alone and being lonely are two different things, and neither one ever really hit me for long periods of time to the point where I’d feel depressed. If anything, I am starting to realize that it’s an opportunity for ME. It’s a chance for me to pursue things I never got around to — hobbies, nature walks, going out, etc without having an achor or tether attached. It’s a chance to truly be free.

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