My life is very blessed. I have a home, I have my family, I have my friends, and most importantly of all I have my daughter. I do not take any of these things for granted and count my blessings daily for each and every one. Especially my beautiful Miss Rose.
That said… I do feel that significant aspects of my life are crumbling around me.
The looming divorce from the love of my life is bad enough, but with it come additional problems. Obviously in the face of marital breakdown tensions arise. There are feelings of betrayal, feelings of loss. Tensions within both my family and his are difficult to deal with. I might need to leave my home, the reasons for this are complicated and hard to explain so I won’t try, but it is not a thought I relish with any degree. I focus on trying to find the positives, a fresh start etc, but that doesn’t mean it’s something I want. I am also trying to deal with the fact that my life as a stay at home parent is soon to be over. I will need to be a working mother at some point in the future, probably not too distant future, and that is not something I had factored into my life and raising Miss Rose. Again, it’s not a bad thing necessarily and there are definite positives, but it’s not something I expected nor wanted and it requires a degree of emotional coping strategy.
In the face of these changes I find ways of distracting myself. It is very easy to get overwhelmed by the loss and the stress and the worry.
I find cleaning and tidying very cathartic. I’m working on making our home a home for two, for me and Miss Rose, rather than a home for three. Moving bits of furniture around, changing the living room colour scheme (it’s now green and pink… full on girly), and putting different pictures up. My husband and I never finished unpacking and our spare room is full of boxes, so I am unpacking and repacking those, separating out our things so he can collect his and I can rehome mine. And, the most fun distraction of all, I’m perving.
My perve gun is generally fired at children’s TV presenters (Oh Mr Bloom you beautiful man), random waiters, and (apparently) beautiful gay men. Alas.
Whilst I am in no way ready for a relationship in any shape or form, I very much enjoy a rich fantasy life. It provides me a with a degree of hope for the future, that at some point I will be ready and when I am someone might want me, and it is a lot of fun. Eyeing people up in a way that is totally safe and lets me giggle like a school girl again. I never imagined myself in this position so dammit I am going to enjoy it.
They say when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. Most of the time I can focus on the positives of these unexpected changes, I can just roll with it and get on with life as it is now. But sometimes I can’t. Instead of giving up and moping in a bottle of wine (not that it hasn’t happened… but it happens less frequently now) I am distracting myself. I am making lemonade. My home looks girly and fresh, my things are being unpacked, we have more space, and there are delicious men everywhere ripe for the perving.