Starting Over

My husband left me. It was unexpected and it hurt. But I am a mother.

In the morning I kissed him goodbye, told him to let me know what he wanted for dinner, he said “see you later”. I got a Facebook message to inform me he wouldn’t be there when I get home.

Any urge I had to scream, shout, drink and swear had to be shelved. I had to carry on. I had to go to the supermarket, take the baby swimming, and keep calm. It helped. The mornings I couldn’t face getting up I still had to get up. Drink some coffee, take a deep breath, and face the day. Life HAD to continue.

I find myself now, several weeks on, in a position I consider positive. I was abandoned by the man I trusted most in the world, but I have my home and I have my daughter. I saw, in an instant, the marriage I valued so dearly be shredded and stamped on, but I am now free to live and love as I choose. I am now a single mother with a high maintenance toddler, but everything is my decision.

My life is not what I expected it to be. But perhaps it will be better. Perhaps my life will, despite the sudden change in direction, be improved.

I am starting over.

I am no longer the housewife and stay at home mum, how can I be a housewife when there’s no husband? I am a single, unemployed mother who, for the first time in her life, is on benefits. Whilst I see no shame in receiving benefits, and am extremely grateful for their existence, it was never something I expected to receive. I will need to seek employment… I will no longer be the stay at home mother I always longed to be.

My life has changed. My future has changed.

At some point I will want to consider dating. I will want a new relationship. I will need to, in order to do that, actually meet someone. Someone with whom I can see myself building a life. Someone who isn’t my husband. I thought I had already had my last first kiss.

Starting over. Yet again.

Single mum. And so much more.


About J.J. Barnes

Author of The Lilly Prospero Series Writer and Podcaster at Blogger at Rose And Mum And More Contributor to The Huffington Post
This entry was posted in Love, Parenting and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Starting Over

  1. jodiebloomer says:

    By goodness hun you are doing so well. So very well. I completely understand how you feel about benefits. I am too. I never expected I would be in this situation. I don’t feel ashamed being on them but by god I certainly feel a stigma from people I have spoken to, especially since searching for a house to rent. Single, unemployed mum on benefits- hmmm, for some you’d think I was a child killer.
    I certainly do not plan to be on them long term but I am determined to raise Caiden as much as possible at home by myself, my way. So long as I have enough money coming in (regardless of it being from benefits) then I will stay at home as long as possible to raise him how I see fit, how I was raised, and how I want to and long to do.
    I have wanted a child for so long, yearned to be a mother, longed for that bond and now that I have it, I will do as much as I can as how I originally intended. Yes, circumstances have changed- it is not the ideal, but it is our future- mine and my son’s. We will make it good, fantastic, and full of endless love.
    I guess I am lucky that his Daddy is now being decent and sensible and is an active part of his life- having him by himself for two days and two nights a week. This is hard, but essential for all three of us. I also am starting to feel relaxed when he collects/drops Caiden off. We can laugh and joke and smile; but by god underneath it is so very hard.
    I know that some may think that as I have two whole days to myself that I should be working, or trying to find a job, and in time maybe I will, maybe I will have to. I help at my sister’s shop every now and then but it is only as a favour to her, but sometimes it is nice to be in a different environment. Only sometimes though, often I wish I wasn’t and I was blowing bubbles or sterilising bottles, or just being at home doing Mummy things. For the time being though I am not emotionally strong enough to go out to work on those two days when he is with Daddy, I first need to help myself to heal more. What’s more those two days give me a chance to do housework, prepare meals, shop, etc- all the jobs I could do when Caiden is here and playing happily by himself, but that I don’t do as I prefer to sit and play with him when possible. If jobs can be done when he is asleep or at Daddy’s then that is when they will be done.

    As for dating in the future- maybe, I do not want to be single forever, but I can’t imagine it. It would be lovely if a new man of my dreams came and swept me off my feet and accepted, appreciated and loved me and Caiden but I find it hard to imagine that anybody will ever want me. But that’s just me.

    Sorry about such a long ‘comment’!

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